Xoxo.

So I went on this date tonight. And he was nice and cracked jokes and looked into my eyes as if he were truly listening to every word that came out of my mouth. He talked highly of his family and his dreams and the experiences that shaped his life.

And as he was talking, my mind wandered everywhere beyond that quaint little booth of the dark bar and grill on the corner of my newest home. I thought about ice cream. I thought about my tv shows, my friends, last weekend, this weekend, the weather outside, and you.

I thought about you.

And the longer the date, the less I cared about surpressing the yawns escaping my body. My eyes began to droop and he could see my lack of interest and attention. As we left the restaurant, promising to see each other again, I knew I was lying. Because I called you before I had a chance to cross the street.

I needed your voice. I needed your comfort.

I needed you.

And I was tired. I spent the entire day speaking with strangers and forcing conversations and the last thing I wanted to do was try to do those things on my own free time.

I wanted to run. I have a book I need to finish. There’s laundry that needs washed and a lawn that needs mowed. And there’s you.

What I wanted to do after I left the office was to come home and cook dinner while I awaited your arrival. I wanted to greet you on the street with my bare feet and big smile and kiss you for all the world to see. I wanted to walk you inside, set your things in my room, and spend the rest of the night talking to you and kissing you and falling more and more in love with you.

So I’m done dating. I’m done trying to find your replacement. I’m done putting myself out there for lifeless dinner dates and men who are dead inside. I want you. & I will wait till I can have you again.

 

xoxo.

Indecision: The Death of Us All.

Decide. Whatever it is you want to do, just decide already.

And when you don’t know what to do, decide. Just do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s right or meant to be or your next best step. It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small or somewhere in between. It doesn’t matter if it will change your life or change your day, just do it. Just decide already.

Because what’s the worst thing you can possible do to yourself?

Remain stagnant. Seriously. Don’t take action about anything. Stay where you are and live a very comfortable life. Don’t take risks. God forbid you try something new…don’t do that either. Stay in your nice stable environment and live the same year 80 times and call it a life.

That’s what you can do.

But what if I told you that you are one decision away from being completely different? What if I said that you are one choice away from doing whatever the hell you’ve always wanted to do?

Sometimes we forget that we’re adults and we can make our own decisions beyond just paying the bills. We forget that if we hate the life we’re living, we can pick up and move to do whatever. we. want.

So you want to live abroad? Okay. Go live abroad.

You want to end your long-term, unhappy relationship? Okay. Go ahead and end it.

You want to go back to school to do something you actually love? Okay. Start applying.

Why are we not doing these things? Why am I typing these words? Shouldn’t we know that we can move wherever we want? We are not trees! If you want to do something in your life, there is no better time than this exact moment. If you wait one more, you’re wasting precious time. We sometimes think we are invincible and we’ll live forever and (eventually) do all the things we want to do. But what happens when you get to the end of your life and you didn’t take that chance? You never went to that foreign country you wanted to see your whole life. You never expressed your feelings to that person your soul was yearning for when you were young. You never changed your major to do the work you actually wanted to do.

It’s one life. Sometimes we hear that so much that we become numb to this statement.

You only get ONE LIFE. Stop reading and start understanding. Start digging deeper. Start figuring out what it is that you want. What it is that your soul desires. When you’re 80 (God willing) and you’re looking back on your life, what is it that you wish you would do right now. Start living in the present and understanding that time is passing you by and inaction will be the death of your soul.

Please don’t kill your soul.

 

crh

Into the Unknown

All of my life, I’ve lived in the known. My physical surroundings, my people, my future: they’ve all been very clear cut and comfortable. And it is only now that I am finding my life in the uncomfortable.

For years, I lost my life. Sucks, right? Sure. But it’s presenting the opportunity to find myself again in any way, shape, or form I desired. This wasn’t a predisposed identity everyone thought they knew to be truth, but one I carefully selected for myself. One that throws me into the vast sea of uncomfortability, only to define whether this identity is truly one I will fight for.

What is it that makes you uncomfortable with life? What is it that makes you question if you are making the right decision? Are there pieces of who you are that you hide out of comfortability with the current image you portray? This is your sign to become all the pieces of yourself you want to be. To embrace the questionable, uncertain, qualities and characteristics that you only keep on the inside.

So it’s time to redefine, reestablish, and reunite our former, present, and future selves. I challenge you to do the same. What is it that you loved about yourself 5, 10, 15 years ago? What is it that you love about yourself in this very present moment? What is it that you imagine for a better, fuller future self? Take all of these things, put them together, and be that. Be that version of you. Do what it takes to become all the best pieces of yourself that you can be.

I am sure you will come to the end of your life and regret this moment if you do not take my advice. Be you. Be who you were. Be who you are. Be who you want to be. Be all the things that make you feel alive. Be all the things that give you purpose. Be all the things that make you feel like you. 

Stop worrying about the image others have of you in their minds, and become the ideal image you have manifested for the best version of yourself. I believe in you.

 

crh

Hello Today.

Two years gone & thinkin’ back when

I broke your heart knowing what to say then.

You had a heart of gold that I looked right through.

Two years gone, but it feels brand new.

 

Fresh cut wounds & rolling tears

I said goodbye that day but I need you here.

You don’t know I feel, God, I feel this way,

Farewell was then, but hello today.

 

You must be a new man since we last met,

without a clue of all the tears I’ve shed.

Time heals all things, I’ve heard them say.

Little do they know what I feel today.

 

Fresh cut wounds & rolling tears

I said goodbye that day but I need you here.

You don’t know I feel, God, I feel this way.

Farewell was then, but hello today.

 

Folks around this town say you’re bad news

telling me to run far away from you.

I’m better off, higher than, out of your league.

But they don’t know, I was your puzzle piece.

 

I still have fresh cut wounds & rolling tears.

I said goodbye that day but I need you here.

You don’t know I feel, God, I feel this way,

Farewell was then, but hello today.

 

If you see him out, say hello for me.

Tell him this song was never supposed to be.

 

 

 

 

First, Last, & Everywhere in Between

We’ve all heard them say it.

You’ve gotta love yourself first before you can love anyone else, Chels…”

How do you expect others to love you when you don’t even love yourself?”

“Just keep working on you and love will come when you stop looking for it.”

OKAY ALL RIGHT I GOT THE POINT.

I am constantly asked if I am dating, and when I politely shake my head, everyone feels the need to console me and tell me I’m better off.

So why did you ask in the first place?

Society tells us that after graduating college (because that’s expected, too), you get a job, find a spouse, have children, and live life like everyone else. These are the checkpoint of success on the road of a normal “healthy” life.

Okay, no thanks though.

Because what if I don’t graduate on time and decide to travel and job hop until I find something cool and maybe decide not to get married? Or do? And both of those options be equally okay?

And then what if I decide not to have kids until I’m 32 and then have 7 in a row with 4 dogs and 1 on the way? Because I’m sure people would find things to criticize about that too.

The point, whether we do this or not, is to love. Choose love first, choose it last, & choose it at every point in between.

Whether love first comes in the form of a significant other, a pet, or yourself, just choose to simply love.

It doesn’t matter what. It doesn’t matter who.

Love has already been chosen. It was chosen for us long before our existence & it will continue long after we are gone.

Love.

First, last, & and everywhere in between.

crh

Do not be lazy like this cat. Or do. I don’t care.

Play a song you’ve never heard.

Paint your nails with neon colors.

Stare deeply into a stranger’s eyes

& smile.

Because life is long and it’s short and sometimes hurts really bad but other times is really really really great but sometimes the greatness is a day and the darkness is a month and you forget to look at the clock for 72 hours and you question what life is.

& so play that song. Open your mind. Try something new.

The world is so vast and so full and so beautifully tragic.

And if I asked you to describe your life is 3 words, would one of them be FULL?

Are you living a full, really luscious life or nah? Are you becoming more whole? Are you becoming better? Are you expanding yourself as a person?

If the answer is no, if you would not use the word “full” to describe the life you are creating for yourself, I suggest you change.

And I don’t mean next week or tomorrow or this evening. I mean now. Change as quickly as humanly possible because time…well time is quickly fading and I don’t know what else to tell you than to change.

Go live. Go do. Go be. Live everything you can and do everything you can and be every single thing you can be.

What are you waiting for?

Mine

Clock bells ring from a place unknown

As a stare out this window I’m supposed to call home.

 

Street lights keep night from settling in

I can peer down the sidewalk, yet all shadows grow dim.

 

Who are these people? Why are they here?

They could ask the same question, and my answer I fear.

 

My purpose seems foggy, my path a mess.

From an outsider’s eyes, I may look like success.

 

A job in a town far away from my home,

From city to state, cross the country I roam.

 

But look ‘neath the surface of this life that I lead,

New people, new places, they lack something I need.

 

A bed to call mine and family close by,

The small simple things, now a lullaby.

 

I dream far away in the distance of time.

I must count down the nights till they are yet again mine.

What do you Really, Really, Really Want to do?

I hear nothing but the bass bumping from the frat house next door and think to myself,

“There has to be more to life than this.” 

I’m sitting on an old $50 hand-me-down couch as I stare at a small Christmas tree in mid-March, and I know I’ve done something right. To be here, in this exact moment, I have accomplished something great.

I have created a lifestyle and jumped into a period of my existence that I will look back on with a grin on my face and wonder how in the world I made it out of here alive.

Surrounded and enveloped in this college vortex, I realize that I have truly lived and breathed this experience…

And now I’m ready for the next thing.

College is wonderful. And it’s scary. And you do a lot of shit that is not acceptable at any other time in your life. Period. But every good thing must come to an end.

I’m ready for that end.

But only because I see such a wonderful new beginning out there somewhere. I have to believe that this beginning exists and that it is on the horizon of my life. There are some new careers waiting for me to fill and some foreign places waiting for me to visit and some unknown strangers waiting for me to meet them and I am excited.

I am excited. 

Who are these people? What are these places? Who will I ultimately choose to be?

There are so many unknowns as a young twenty-something. I have no idea where I will be typing a blog on March 25, 2017 at 12:47 AM. But I will be there. And I (hopefully) will love it.

But does this excitement end? Is there a point in life where people say, “Okay, well that was fun. Now life is just life from here on out.” Because I want no part of that.

I want to be able to wake up on the oceanside in the middle of October and smile first thing in the morning. I want to live in a tiny apartment in a crowded foreign city with nothing but my cat and a laptop.

I want to take weekend vacations in beautiful locations where I close my eyes, point at a map, and never look back.When I come home, I want to shut the door behind me, look around, and smile at this life I have created for myself.

I don’t want this to stop. I don’t want to stop having huge life moments. I want to squeeze every single drop of life out of the years I am allotted.

So here’s to that. Here’s to you and to me and to everyone just living. Just doing what they really, really, really want to do.

& realizing that nothing else really matters…

crh.

 

 

 

 

 

Hagrid

I was bitter…

until I wasn’t.

I resented you…

until I didn’t.

Well, maybe I still do just a tad. But I think I’m allowed to feel that way.

You see, I constructed a castle. There’s tall stone fortifications and a beautiful moat surrounding my creation. I’ve spent years of my life building myself this grand monument.

And I told myself that no one, no one, would destroy the one thing I created just for me.

And then I let you…

I tore down some of those pillars for you and placed a bridge over my moat and I let. you. in.

I didn’t want to. Not at first. But I told myself that I should give it a shot this time. That I should consider peering through the arrow loops and look beyond.

I trusted you…

…until I didn’t. And that has made all the difference.

You weren’t even entitled to take something from me. You didn’t even KNOW me. You led me on like a dog on a leash and I tore down walls for you.

I reached out knowing I might face rejection to understand you.

And you took. And took. And took.

I am a giver, you see. In relationships, I give until there is nothing left of me but a skeleton of your shadow that I allow to cast over me because I’ve built you so high in my mind.

You were not that great and I will be the first one to not tell you that.

I do not stoop. I do not bend to your level. I build higher and stand a little taller.

And now it’s back to the drawing board. Here I will build my fortress a little taller and my moat a little wider and start to feel okay again.

Hell, I might even stay here forever. Like Hagrid says, “What’s coming will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.”

crh