You’re (not) the one. But I don’t tell you that. I don’t let you in on the fact that I feel that inside. Instead, I say things like “I love you. I want you. I miss you. And I can’t wait to see you again.”
But you’re not the one. And that’s not sitting well with me. I need you to be him. I need you to be the man I come home to and love for the rest of my life.
And I could do that. I could finish grad school and move across the country and live with you. I would wear your ring and you’d wear mine and we would have 2 happy kids and live in the quiet mountains for the rest of our days.
That sounds beautiful.
Until it doesn’t. Because what if I want 4 kids? What if I want to move abroad for a year after graduating? What if I want to move around and experience the world before settling closer to home where I’m near my family and friends? What if I want Christmas’ with tiny feet pattering the floors and siblings surrounding us? What if I want to grow in faith with you and become leaders in our church?
I would give those things up for you. The questions I asked above? Those are my dreams. And the last six months I would tell you that I’d happily give them all up to be with you. To chase your dreams. To live your life.
And I’m coming to terms with our differences. I’m realizing that though I may love you, I may not love you forever. That maybe your purpose in my life was temporary. To think these things and to see them written break me. My heart feels broken. It feels unfair.
I want you to know that I love you. I loved you then and I love you now and I will always smile when I think about you. You’re a beautiful soul with good intentions, but your dreams and mine don’t see eye to eye. And I could force them to. I could minimize mine to maximize yours. But I don’t want that. YOU don’t want that. I want us to be happy instead.
So this isn’t goodbye. I’m still going to call you when I’m done here and you’ll never know these words exist. But I do.
And one day, when I’m ready, I’ll break the news. I’ll break our hearts. But not today. Today I want to love you. I’m not ready to feel broken again.