Where is the breaking point? Where is the fine line? Where is the rock bottom everyone speaks of?
Have I reached it? Have I gone there multiple times?
Sometimes it is only after you hit the breaking points and rock bottoms of life when you realize you were there in the first place.
I think I hit that rock bottom. That fine line between sanity and everything else? I crossed it I think.
I look back at the last year and a half of my life and realize it was one big rock bottom. And everyone knew it.
My family. My friends. Strangers in my world. Everyone knew it but me.
And it is only now that I am crawling out of that self-destructive time of my life that I am finding out the position I was in the entire time.
Because when you can’t get what you want, you break. And that break causes a sort-of domino effect of breakage.
I can’t be with you? Fine. I’ll have more fun getting drunk on the weekends with my friends. And when that’s not enough, let’s add drugs and sex into the mix to spice things up a bit.
To break a little more.
The breaking becomes like an addiction. To see how far you can bend before you break. To see how many ways you can bend and break and snap into a million pieces on the floor of your parent’s kitchen.
But I didn’t know I was self-destructing. I didn’t know I was slowly ruining myself.
That may seem difficult to believe or understand or relate to. And that’s fine. I don’t necessarily want you to see this horrendous point of view.
So I’m taking this moment of enlightenment, this ah-ha moment, to say I will never see that same rock bottom again. No, I cannot say that avoiding rock bottom forever is possible. But this kind of rock bottom? I simply cannot anymore.
So I’m choosing love. I am choosing to grow in love for those around me and for myself. I am choosing healthy and happy and fabulous. I am choosing self-awareness and empathy and consideration for others. All the things I once was? I am choosing that. I am choosing faith and the love of a Savior so deep, that is resonates through my being for the rest of my life. I am choosing starry nights and Christmas light glows and uncontrollable laughter. I am choosing all the things that make me the best version of myself.
Each and every day, I will choose me.