A Letter For The Single People Waiting To Be Loved

Thought Catalog

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Dear You,

Single doesn’t mean less-than. Single is whole. You are everything, now, in this moment: fully formed, a force to be reckoned with, all you need to be – and will ever need to be – in one perfect soul. One is a round number, remember.

Also remember that you are enough.

You are complete.

You are loved.

They’re on their way. Your person. It might not be today, though – in fact, it’s probably not today, or even tomorrow – and that’s exactly how it should be. You’re not with the person of your life because you are the person of your life. They are extra. It will happen when it happens. But it will happen.

Don’t sit and wait. Don’t simply pass the time until they arrive. You are worth a thousand more dreams than that. Continue, with full speed ahead, to be wonderful, to be…

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All the Difference.

I was a sophomore in high school the last time I was single for the holiday season. I was sixteen years old. When you’re sixteen, you have this fresh heart. This heart that is pure and clean and unbroken. This is the heart of a matured child that wants to grow up yet knows it’s best not to. You’re not alone because you’re surrounded by everyone who has ever loved you. You’ve never. been. broken.

But I’m not sixteen anymore and this heart is not so pure and clean. It has shattered and felt things so deeply that it has broken itself over and over and over again and continues to do so even today. I’m twenty-one this year and I’m learning how to be single over this holiday season for the first time in five years. Damn. FIVE years. So, as I’m sitting in the cozy living room of my parents’ house, back from school for Winter break, I think about what it feels like to be single for the first time on Christmas day in a very long time.

I didn’t want it to hurt this badly. I didn’t want the memories from the last five Christmas’ to come flooding back. But guess what? Those feelings, these memories, well they’re inevitable. It can be a lonely time of year, my friends, and I no longer blame people for being scrooges during this lovey-dovey holiday season in which we’re all surrounded by love and rings and engagements and kisses and that look in a person’s eyes when passion is beaming out of their being like rays of sun during a humid, summer day. You feel bitter because it’s not you. The passion is not aimed your way and you’re the one in the corner getting drunk off cheap punch in your grandma’s musty living room as your cousin proposes to his lover and your sister and brother-in-law bring home their newborn son with a glint in their eyes that only a parent can reveal. You’re there. Forgotten. And this feeling consumes you so deeply that you reach for another glass as you only foresee the next hour before you dive off into the great unknown of drunkenness.

Being alone Christmas night is not ideal, and not having that New Year’s kiss is probably going to kill me. I don’t like to be that way or say those things, but it is the truth. After you have a love so on fire that you would kill for your significant other only to turn around and lose them can be one of the biggest losses to ever experience. I would never wish it upon a soul that walks this earth.

So, I’m taking this time to learn more about myself, about what makes me happy. I’m going to continue sitting on this couch, staring at this tree, until I figure out how to be single for Christmas (not that I have an option otherwise.) I think about the money I would spend on a significant other for a gift, and decide I’m going to take that and spend it on myself. The time I would spend with his family, I am going to spend diving into a good book after a long, hard run, while I enjoy a nice, overflous cup of hot chocolate. And on New Year’s Eve, when it comes 11:59:59, I am given the option to kiss any man (or no man at all) that I damn well please to ring in the new year. I can do whatever I want. And that’s a pretty freeing thought. No, it may not be as wonderful as spending the holidays with a lover, but I am trying like hell to make being single just as, if not more, wonderful than having that him.

Yeah, this season of the year is going to be tough, but I’ve had 11 months of the single life to prep me for the next two weeks. I’ve had time to cry and time to laugh. I’ve had time to drink too much and decide to stay in. I’ve allowed myself to make out with multiple guys and make noodles on the floor with my best friends at 2 am. I am going to take every single emotion and feeling I have had since the breakup, combine them all together, and use them to get me through this holiday season alone. I encourage you to do the same. Cry when it hurts and laugh when it hurts even more. Surround yourself with your best of friends each day during this rough time and make memories together. As I tell you this, I’m also advising myself to do the same. BE FREE. CHOOSE HAPPINESS. and I promise it will make all the difference.

understand yourself.

I sit in the library, coffee in hand, as I stare out the window into the bitter December gloom. I think about how far I’ve come and all the progress I’ve made. I think about my feelings and my thoughts and my past. I think about my present and how certain events in my life have changed me. Most people will tell you this change is for the better- my family, friends, acquaintances- but I can’t honestly say for sure if that is the truth. No, I’m not trying to look at my life in a negative light, but more of a realistic one.

I have a darker soul and a stronger love for coffee. I have felt the entire rainbow of emotions and have drown in my own thoughts. I’ve reevaluated and reestablished and reconnected. I’ve had to drop everything that I was to become everything that I am. I love who I am. I love who I was. But those two people will never be the same. But that’s okay. I think when you become a part of something or someone significant in your life, you attach your identity to them. I becomes we and there’s no longer a me. And when that significant thing or being diminishes from your life, you have to take a step back. You have to drop everything you were, no matter how much it hurts, and become a whole new being on your own. You have to turn around, look back, burn the bridge, and move forward.

It’s a matter of creating a new identity. Of changing the inside, and usually consciously or subconsciously, changing your outside as well. Change goes beyond the color of your hair or the the clothes in your closet. I’m talking about the heart and soul kind of change. As I have grown and moved away on my own, I’ve began creating an identity of my individual self, not the childhood or adolescent identity I bore that included my parents and relatives and siblings and friends. I’ve started becoming who am. Who want to be. Because that can be anyone in the whole world. And no one can stop me from becoming that woman.

I challenge you to plug into some deep, focus music. Sit by the library window and think about who you are, who you come off to be. Is it who you aspire to be? Is it your ideal self? I hope so, I really do. A lot of times, it won’t be though. And that’s okay.

Learn to be your own individual without all the noise of the rest of the world. Think about the qualities you want to include in your life, and pursue them. Try and think about yourself without associating that identity to your significant other or your parents or friends or your hobbies. Think about what makes up your soul and think about what breaks your heart. Think about the way you work on the inside. I’ve learned that you need to love yourself before you allow someone to do the same. You must love and understand and connect with your own captivating soul.

Sit alone for an hour. An afternoon. An entire day. Think about yourself. Get to know yourself. Invest time in knowing who you are on the inside-what makes you and what breaks you. Get to know what makes your soul happy and what kind of qualities makes your heart joyous. Above all, take out the precious time to be alone and being to truly understand yourself. 

Regret Nothing.

Understand this- There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. And it’s not about your situation or your mood but about your state of mind. It’s a mindset to choose day in and day out. It’s about self-love and self-worth and self-respect. It’s about being best friends with yourself and choosing you and deciding to love that choice.

Being alone is much different than being lonely. Sometimes it’s a transition, however. You find yourself very lonely. A place in which you are surrounded by others yet feel the wrath of some sort of solitary confinement. But you must grow.

No, it’s not easy. Turning loneliness into the action of being alone is hard as hell. It takes practice and persistence and perseverance. You must spend time with yourself like you would an old lover. You must talk to yourself and laugh at yourself and love yourself. You must learn new things about yourself and practice old hobbies by yourself and become better by yourself. 

You most certainly must grow by yourself. You must learn who you are without another being by your side. You must learn how to say “I am Chelsey. I am strong and independent and am capable of holding my own. No, I don’t have all the answers and yeah, parts of me are broken, but I can find that answer and I will pick up the broken pieces on my own to make myself whole again.” You are capable of such amazing things and you cannot realize that until you understand the value of being alone. Of realizing your worth and your capabilities as an undivided individual.

I challenge you to step outside your comfort zone. Do something that makes you feel uneasy. Laugh at yourself. Listen to music by yourself. Read poems and understand words. Do beautiful things and you will radiate beauty. Listen to yourself wholeheartedly. Listen to the inside and never be afraid to take a chance. Make changes and make them often. Life is too short to live a boring routine lifestyle. Make a change. Make a thousand changes. Do things for yourself and regret nothing.