Soon Enough.

Let’s just get real with each other. Starting today. Starting now.

Let’s stop the whole “who can care less game” and start expressing what we really want: our feelings. Because what’s the point? For the world to think you’re a selfish human being who cares about no one but herself? Who can’t tell someone she loves him then kiss him and tell him her heart’s desire? Because what is a world without truth and feelings and expression? Like we’re all afraid to seem desperate and vulnerable, to seem like we care.

But we do. A lot of times we care entirely too much. And that hurts sometimes and it’s raw and it’s real and we’re afraid. Afraid of the suffering that opening yourself up may entail. Afraid of rejection in life and in love.

And let me tell you, it sucks. It really, really sucks, but you know what I’ve learned? I’ve learned that life is all about the ride. It’s about strapping in, holding on, and enjoying this fabulous ride we call life. And there are twists and turns, bumps and bruises, but I can tell you what: when you make the decision to get on, you will never be the same.

You will grow and fall in love. First with your family and then with someone special. But you’ll fall out of that love and it’ll hurt like hell and you won’t feel like continuing the ride. Like you cannot press on. But you do. And you find friends, true and fake. You’ll learn the difference. And they will become you’re world for a while. When you’re heartbroken and lonely and drunk. They’ll be there. So thank them for that and do the same for them. You’ll find a passion and call it a career, and if you don’t? Well, that’s unfortunate. But you press on. You find the true love of your life and have children and fall in love again and again with every child you bear.

So let’s start caring. Let’s start showing people true affection. Let’s say “I love you” and “you’re an unhealthy part of my life” and “I’m not sure what I’d do without you.” When we are sad, let’s get good and sad. When we’re angry, let’s get good and angry. But when we’re happy, let it shine and radiate through the depths of our being. Yeah. Let’s do that.

Let’s get real with each other, for we’ll be dead soon enough.

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Live Anyway.

We are always told to never be afraid. Apparently the Bible tells us this 365 times. Many people believe this was intentional & that God wanted us to “never be afraid” each and every day of each and every year. But what does it mean? What does it mean to not be afraid?

Am I not allowed to be afraid of the dark and insects and the unknown? Should I stray from my fear of heights and loneliness and living a meaningless life? I’m not sure I quite understand when people tell me to not be afraid.

Because I think we should all be very afraid. I think we should look at our lives and come to realize that life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows. Some things are going to make us unhappy. Some things are going to anger us. Some things are going to scare the living shit out of us, so to speak.

It’s good to be afraid of things. We should have dreams so large that they scare us. We should live our lives with a certain kind of spontaneity in which fear is necessary to create a thrill. We should be afraid to love at times and occasionally be afraid to trust others. What is life without fear, really? I look at some of the most magnificent moments of my life and realize that I was so afraid of everything I was doing. Those are the moments I live for, the moments that create me.

It’s okay to be afraid of change and love and spiders. However, do not be so afraid that it keeps you from living. Use the fear to fuel your fire, to make that change, to stand up for what you believe in. Know that we’re all scared here, each and every one of us. We have all faced something in life that makes us want to turn and run away from all the bad things of this world. But we must remember to be afraid. Be very afraid, but live anyway.

All We Really Need.

Have you ever just sat back and asked yourself, “Who am I?” When people look at me or describe me, what do they see? What do they say? And sometimes I feel it is healthy to step back and describe yourself to yourself. &It is now that I am doing so….

 

I love to sit beside Christmas lights and thinking about the world. Moments alone, in the dim light, I feel I am truest to myself. Chocolate chip cookies are numero uno in my life. Literally….I could eat them every. day. all. day. But that conflicts with my desire to run. Which in turn is a reflection of how my life is just one big conflict.

I love to read. Especially inspirational/motivational reading. And when I’m in love? I read about love. And when I’m well…not in love? I watch action-packed movies with attractive men and fast cars. And that is my life. But as chaotic as that sounds, I wouldn’t want my life any other way. Celery is bae. And I hate the word bae. Therefore, I really hate celery. Worst food ever. As a friend would term, I’m slightly “artsy fartsy” in that I attempt to do crafts and play instruments. My guitar and I have a weird love-hate-I-just-want-to-sound-like-Adele kind of relationship. But you wouldn’t understand that.

When you come to terms with yourself, you begin to get real. Which I haven’t done yet. There’s something about being alone without anyone you know that brings you to who you really are. And I loved that girl. Still do. Many things pulled me away from that girl I used to be – moving back home, an unpredictable relationship, bad habits. But I think sometimes you have to lose who you are to figure out who you do and do not want to be. And I’m still in that phase. But that’s okay.

So I love pictures and twitter and being real with people. I love having husbands lined up for future purposes and I love being single right now. I love fresh fruit and a long, deep nap on a Sunday afternoon. I love my dog and my deceased cat (RIP Catdog) and my collection of dusty books that sit on my shelf for semi-decorative reasons. My clutter, my momma, and everything that creates my home…I love. Heartbreak and physical pain have brought about the most wrenching tears of my life but they’ve helped me grow. I am stronger. Day in and day out, I am stronger. And sometimes, I just feel like crying. Sobbing actually. But that’s okay. 

I love my laugh and my smile and wrists. My music and my writing and my faith. I love my memories. I love my moments. And I love that there are so many wonderful days in my life to come. and that gives me hope. And that’s all we really need.

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Press On.

Highs and Lows. I feel like I’m on a f*cking roller coaster. The kind that are rough and jerky and you feel like you might throw up at any moment.

As you tick to the top, you are full of excitement and fear and you feel very, very alive. Higher and higher, the ride leads you to the top of the world…or the amusement park. Either way, you’ve never felt so many emotions in one single moment.

And the downfall begins. Adrenaline at first but then just fear. Fear for your life. You start praying to God and regretting the bad decisions you’ve made and the relationships you never mended and every single part of your life that comes to mind. The twists and turns leave your stomach in knots and the next thing you know, it’s over. The “thrill” is over.

But why? Why is that a thrill? I apply this phenomenon to life. I’ve realized that the higher the climb, the lower the low. The more highs you have, the more lows you must endure. And I don’t really feel like going through anymore of those. It’s the lows where you’re drunk and bawling and your friends hug you tighter than you can handle. And no matter how many friends surround you, you just. can’t. stop. Because you’re sobbing. The depths of your being are mourning and your insides feel as though they could rip out of your chest, only to never feel again.

You feel alive, but in the same breath, you’d rather just pass. Pass on to the next life and find what that has in store. Because it cannot possibly be as bad as this one. But that isn’t possible…so you press on. You wake the next day with the sadness in your soul and the tears in your eyes.

But you press on.

Then you find yourself at his door incapable of any more emotions. Because you’re all “emotioned” out. You sit on the step and it’s 2 in the morning and you have absolutely no idea why you’re there or how you ended up on this very step of this very house. You look to the yard where you used to play pitch and catch. You look in the drive where you said goodbye so many times.

Yet, you feel nothing. Nothing. And that’s a good thing I think. Being able to control yourself in these vulnerable, indescribable moment, just letting your brain wander without an unbearingly heavy heart. And so I’m proud of myself for holding it together when I very easily could have fallen to pieces.

And I’ll take that as a sign. A sign of moving on and being someone new, someone as an individual discovering the world and who she wants to be and where she wants to go. So I guess the moral of this story is this:

Press on. Even in the worst, lowest moments of your life, press on.

Promise.

Time after unfailing time, I go back to the moments. The moments that changed my life forever.

Forever: such a funny word. In one realm it meant a lifetime of love, happiness, and commitment. But in this one, in this realm, it means something entirely different. It means independence and doing things for myself. It means growing for a lifetime and learning to let experiences change me, affect me. It means that until further notice, I’m on my own on this one.

Okay, so you think I’m dramatic. Slightly. But I would never wish this feeling, this loss of “forever” upon my worst enemy…or my ex. And that’s saying something. There’s desolation and destitution and deception. There’s  depression and darkness and damage. And it hurts and it’s raw and it’s real. It is very and most certainly real.

I am changed. Forever. But there’s something to say about that vulnerability. There’s a great deal to learn about yourself in the most vulnerable hour of the night. When it’s 3 A.M. and you’re awake and alone and scared. As you lie in bed, you thinking about the depths of this life and where it will take you. You begin to analyze every decision you’ve ever made and will make in the future. And learning that this behavior is okay? Well that’s the hard part.

Because it is. It’s okay. Everything will be OKAY. Don’t believe me? Remember that person you said you could never live without? Well look at you, living and shit. You are probably the most real and alive being on the planet! Or so it may seem. But there is truth. EVERYTHING will turn out just as the universe has planned. Things that are seasonal in life will remain that way. And the permanent things will remain or find their way back. You will be okay, you will find love, and it will be wonderful. Promise.